07-16-2019, 01:26 AM
The only music that fits -- a musical masterpiece that depicts the most dreadful situation possible. Losing a beloved dog may not be quite as bad, but for someone with no children, that is the closest analogue. Yes, this work has the most unsettling title possible: Songs on the Death of Children. Listen at your own risk.
I needed counseling on the greatest loss that I could have short of loss of a beloved human. Under the circumstances of a life that could hardly be more messed up... and I fault myself on the loss of a sweet little dog even if its end was obviously approaching. When I think that life could hardly get worse, this happens.
I feel nothing but shame and regret. That dog deserved better than to die in fear and confusion, probably getting run over on a highway full of fast-moving vehicles.
I tried searching for him with heroic means... I had expected him to go out to the front yard and do his dirty work and return promptly as he usually did.
Every dog is as individual and unique as a human can be. I should have grabbed the leash, but that would have taken some searching, and that little dog was eager to get out of the house.
Sure, he was sleeping much more, he wasn't eating as much, and all of his senses were deteriorating. I had made a panic stop to avoid hitting some child pedestrians and the dog hit the dashboard, and he was never quite the same after that.
...it may be self-pity on my part, but maybe I cannot experience love or fun; the only positive emotion that I think I can feel is awe. I can feel guilt, shame, disgust, and fear. Maybe I am a miserable person to be around due to my emotional limitations. At my age (63) all that I can hope for is either an Afterlife or reincarnation. I am stranded in a place of pervasive awfulness with little chance of escape. All that I can do is to confirm a reality that I hold in gross contempt. With American politics and the morality of the leadership of Corporate America at a seeming nadir so far but with much potential for further degradation, it is a good thing that I cannot find my father's Valium. Vodka is easy to get.
English translation (read at your own risk):
"Now the sun wants to rise as brightly"
Now the sun wants to rise as brightly as if nothing terrible had happened during the night.The misfortune had happened only to me,but the sun shines equally on everyone. You must not enfold the night in you.You must sink it in eternal light.A little star went out in my tent!Greetings to the joyful light of the world.
"Now I see well, why with such dark flames"
Now I see well, why with such dark flame sin many glances you flash upon me O Eyes: as if in one lookto draw all your strength together. I didn't realise, because a mist surrounded me woven of tangled destinies that your beam was already returning homewards to the placefrom which all rays emanate. You would tell me with your brightness:We would gladly stay with you!Now that is denied to us by Fate. Look at us, soon we will be far away!What are only eyes to you in these days, in the coming night shall be your stars.
"When your mama"
When your mama steps in through the door and I turn my head to see at her,on her face my gaze does not first fall,but at the placenearer the doorstep,there, where yourdear little face would be,when you with bright joy step inside,as you used to, my little daughter. When your mamasteps in through the doorwith the glowing candle,it seems to me, as if you always came in with her too,hurrying behind her,as you used to come into the room.Oh you, of a father's cell,ah, too soon extinguished joyful light!
"I often think: they have only just gone out"
I often think: they have only just gone out,and now they will be coming back home.The day is fine, don't be dismayed,They have just gone for a long walk. Yes indeed, they have just gone out,and now they are making their way home.Don't be dismayed, the day is fine,they have simply made a journey to yonder heights. They have just gone out ahead of us,and will not be thinking of coming home.We go to meet them on yonder heights In the sunlight, the day is fine On yonder heights.
"In this weather"
In this weather, in this windy storm,I would never have sent the children out.They have been carried off,I wasn't able to warn them! In this weather, in this gale,I would never have let the children out.I feared they sickened:those thoughts are now in vain. In this weather, in this storm,I would never have let the children out,I was anxious they might die the next day:now anxiety is pointless. In this weather, in this windy storm,I would never have sent the children out.They have been carried off,I wasn't able to warn them! In this weather, in this gale, in this windy storm,they rest as if in their mother's house:frightened by no storm,sheltered by the Hand of God.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kindertotenlieder
The ideal subject of totalitarian rule is not the convinced Nazi or the dedicated Communist but instead the people for whom the distinction between fact and fiction, true and false, no longer exists -- Hannah Arendt.