What's going on with you, part II...

[Warren Dew]

(05-24-2019, 04:35 AM)taramarie Wrote: About two months ago I snapped my ankle. Yes heard an actual snap in my ankle when I landed on it full force with the ankle bone. I nearly passed out twice from the pain trying to get home. I had gone into shock. I am still on crutches and still struggle to get around comfortably.

That's awful.  In the US you would have had the MRI within a couple of days rather than a couple of months.  Hopefully they are still in time to fix it fully.

[Warren Dew]

Depends on what you would consider a fortune, I guess. It would be a lot cheaper than chemo. Most Americans have health insurance that would cover it, though.

[Warren Dew]

(07-05-2019, 02:49 AM)taramarie Wrote: Some don't have health insurance so I hear and I hear it can cost them hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Chemo is typically around 100k, more for the drugs than for the doctors.  Surgery is in the range of 10k, plus or minus a factor of two or three depending.

[pbrower2a]

I lost the family dog, one that saw the last years of my parents' lives and probably got me through some rough emotional times. I let him out to do his dirty work, and he just didn't come back. He was going blind; his senses were fading; he had tumors; he had lots of warts; he started eating less.

I sit in front of my computer and below and to my left is a bowl of dog food and his water, awaiting his return -- a return that with every hour seems an unlikely miracle. But I have serious doubts that he will return. I suspect that he knew that the end was coming and chose not to share that with us.

As one with Asperger's I practically need a dog to keep me from going off the edge. The one sure thing about the relationship between Man and Dog is that it will ultimately with one of the two ending with great grief. Dogs' lifespans are nothing like ours, and their lifespans can be badly out of phase.

[pbrower2a]

The only music that fits -- a musical masterpiece that depicts the most dreadful situation possible. Losing a beloved dog may not be quite as bad, but for someone with no children, that is the closest analogue. Yes, this work has the most unsettling title possible: Songs on the Death of Children. Listen at your own risk.

I needed counseling on the greatest loss that I could have short of loss of a beloved human. Under the circumstances of a life that could hardly be more messed up... and I fault myself on the loss of a sweet little dog even if its end was obviously approaching. When I think that life could hardly get worse, this happens.

I feel nothing but shame and regret. That dog deserved better than to die in fear and confusion, probably getting run over on a highway full of fast-moving vehicles.

I tried searching for him with heroic means... I had expected him to go out to the front yard and do his dirty work and return promptly as he usually did.

Every dog is as individual and unique as a human can be. I should have grabbed the leash, but that would have taken some searching, and that little dog was eager to get out of the house.

Sure, he was sleeping much more, he wasn't eating as much, and all of his senses were deteriorating. I had made a panic stop to avoid hitting some child pedestrians  and the dog hit the dashboard, and he was never quite the same after that.

...it may be self-pity on my part, but maybe I cannot experience love or fun; the only positive emotion that I think I can feel is awe. I can feel guilt, shame, disgust, and fear. Maybe I am a miserable person to be around due to my emotional limitations. At my age (63) all that I can hope for is either an Afterlife or reincarnation. I am stranded in a place of pervasive awfulness with little chance of escape. All that I can do is to confirm a reality that I hold in gross contempt. With American politics and the morality of the leadership of Corporate America at a seeming nadir so far but with much potential for further degradation, it is a good thing that I cannot find my father's Valium. Vodka is easy to get. 

English translation (read at your own risk):

"Now the sun wants to rise as brightly" 

Now the sun wants to rise as brightly as if nothing terrible had happened during the night.The misfortune had happened only to me,but the sun shines equally on everyone. You must not enfold the night in you.You must sink it in eternal light.A little star went out in my tent!Greetings to the joyful light of the world.

"Now I see well, why with such dark flames"

Now I see well, why with such dark flame sin many glances you flash upon me O Eyes: as if in one lookto draw all your strength together. I didn't realise, because a mist surrounded me woven of tangled destinies that your beam was already returning homewards to the placefrom which all rays emanate. You would tell me with your brightness:We would gladly stay with you!Now that is denied to us by Fate. Look at us, soon we will be far away!What are only eyes to you in these days, in the coming night shall be your stars. 

"When your mama"

When your mama steps in through the door and I turn my head to see at her,on her face my gaze does not first fall,but at the placenearer the doorstep,there, where yourdear little face would be,when you with bright joy step inside,as you used to, my little daughter. When your mamasteps in through the doorwith the glowing candle,it seems to me, as if you always came in with her too,hurrying behind her,as you used to come into the room.Oh you, of a father's cell,ah, too soon extinguished joyful light!

"I often think: they have only just gone out"

I often think: they have only just gone out,and now they will be coming back home.The day is fine, don't be dismayed,They have just gone for a long walk. Yes indeed, they have just gone out,and now they are making their way home.Don't be dismayed, the day is fine,they have simply made a journey to yonder heights. They have just gone out ahead of us,and will not be thinking of coming home.We go to meet them on yonder heights In the sunlight, the day is fine On yonder heights.

"In this weather"

In this weather, in this windy storm,I would never have sent the children out.They have been carried off,I wasn't able to warn them! In this weather, in this gale,I would never have let the children out.I feared they sickened:those thoughts are now in vain. In this weather, in this storm,I would never have let the children out,I was anxious they might die the next day:now anxiety is pointless. In this weather, in this windy storm,I would never have sent the children out.They have been carried off,I wasn't able to warn them! In this weather, in this gale, in this windy storm,they rest as if in their mother's house:frightened by no storm,sheltered by the Hand of God.



https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kindertotenlieder

[pbrower2a]

I apologize for the histrionics. I have never had a wife or children, so you can understand how strong my bond could be to a dog. "Only a dog"? Bad as the world is, and seeing no obvious improvement as a prospect, I have little for which to live. I exist in a community that I despise, and in the most objectionable time in American history since the Civil War.

[Bill the Piper]

(07-15-2019, 05:16 PM)pbrower2a Wrote: I lost the family dog, one that saw the last years of my parents' lives and probably got me through some rough emotional times. I let him out to do his dirty work, and he just didn't come back. He was going blind; his senses were fading; he had tumors; he had lots of warts; he  started eating less.

I sit in front of my computer and below and to my left is a bowl of dog food and his water, awaiting his return -- a return that with every hour seems an unlikely miracle. But I have serious doubts that he will return. I suspect that he knew that the end was coming and chose not to share that with us.

As one with Asperger's I practically need a dog to keep me from going off the edge. The one sure thing about the relationship between Man and Dog is that  it will ultimately with one of the two ending with great grief. Dogs' lifespans are nothing like ours, and their lifespans can be badly out of phase.

Accept my sincere condolences. I cannot really offer consolation, but I know how important a dog can be to his owner.



I have a 15-year-old dog too and I know the end is approaching, though he may last for two years as well.

[pbrower2a]

(07-17-2019, 11:28 AM)Bill the Piper Wrote: Accept my sincere condolences. I cannot really offer consolation, but I know how important a dog can be to his owner.



I have a 15-year-old dog too and I know the end is approaching, though he may last for two years as well.

Thank you. If there is a real Heaven, then that is where my dog went. He visited my father, my mother, and an aunt on the second-to-last days of their lives. I believed that he had the right to know, and not many animals understand death as do dogs -- and few animals better understand us. He was much comfort. I will remember going with him to Tahquamenon Falls in Michigan's Upper Peninsula -- in the winter! -- and I think Tahquamenon is better than Niagara Falls -- and Great Smoky Mountains National Park.

Someone in the household blames me for losing that sweet, innocent dog and has told me that in view of my mistake, I deserve no more dogs. That little dog has kept me from going over the edge, and he was a good ice-breaker. Sweet, innocent dogs can run away from home and get lost. I think he had all sorts of medical problems, including cancer. I knew of two tumors and lots of warts. Maybe he knew that he was dying and wanted to spare us some grief.

[Bill the Piper]

(07-17-2019, 12:24 PM)pbrower2a Wrote: Thank you. If there is a real Heaven, then that is where my dog went. He visited both my father, my morher, and an aunt on the seco0nd-to-last days of their lives. He was much comfort. I will remember going with him to Tahquamenon Falls in Michigan's Upper Peninsula -- in the winter! -- and I think Tahquamenon is better than Niagara Falls -- and Great Smoky Mountains National Park.

Yes, Tahquamenon is scenic. You've made me look it up.

[pbrower2a]

(07-19-2019, 12:59 AM)taramarie Wrote: How are you going pbrower? Been very worried about you.

It has been rough. I am finding that others care about me even if I am in a situation from which I cannot really extricate myself.

Maybe I was wrong to expose my dog to my doomed parents on the last days of their lives. I figured, though, that the dog had every right to know how its loved ones were faring. That dog also experienced how I grieved. Maybe he wanted to spare me...Dogs read us well, seeming to know us in ways that we do not know ourselves.


Unless he has been taken in by now, he surely dies today if he has not yet. The heat index in this area is about to reach 110F (45C) today for the first time in many years due to a combination of temperature and humidity. My home is on the margin of where one can live without air conditioning, and global warming has been slow to hit here. But when it does, we will have milder winters but hotter summers.

I made a mistake in letting the dog out onto the front lawn to do his dirty work. He acted in apparent urgency. I suspected that the end was coming. He was old, and he was full of warts and had some tumors. I had planned to give him a bath to get the stink off -- and it was a new, sickening stench. Maybe it came from inside him. His senses were weakening, he was eating less, and he was losing weight. He likely had cancer.

I am in many ways a misfit in my community. The job opportunities are low-end economically: farm labor and precarious factory work, and roadside services. Most of the work needs nothing more than a high-school diploma that shows more that one is not a rebel than that one has more than a dull-normal intellect. (You do not want to hire a high-school drop-out, but you can hire someone in high school to do fast-food work or do housekeeping in a motel). The secret of happiness is either stupidity or being rich.

I go through the expressions of hope, but I probably need a dog to keep me from going off the deep end. The local dogs have me figured out: you can't fool them. They knew that dog, too.

By the way -- how did the surgery go?

[Hintergrund]

Congrats taramarie!

[David Horn]

(08-13-2019, 08:58 PM)taramarie Wrote: This Friday I can be putting my foot on the ground and lightly walking on it after a month off it. I am REALLY looking forward to getting back to learning to walk again with my newly reattached ligaments.

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[David Horn]

(08-16-2019, 12:47 AM)taramarie Wrote: First day walking a month after surgery I realize my leg and ankle have deteriorated in strength. I nearly collapsed a few times. Good thing I have the moon boot and crutches to keep me from falling. The whole leg and ankle is very wobbly and weak. It cant support my weight as of yet. Painful if I put too much weight on it, but it is nice to be walking, even if very lightly and slowly at grandma speed, but its nice. It is less exhausting on my body than it was keeping off the ankle when I want to get anywhere. I have to keep reminding myself to walk as my body auto wants to put the foot up. Force of habit now. Was not too bad today except for the occasional pain in my calf muscle, achilles which I feel has deteriorated also, and my ankle occasionally hurting. All in all I am very happy to be walking again.

Rehab is always painful, but this seems to be a good start.  Keep it up!

[David Horn]

(08-16-2019, 04:51 PM)taramarie Wrote:

(08-16-2019, 09:28 AM)David Horn Wrote:

(08-16-2019, 12:47 AM)taramarie Wrote: First day walking a month after surgery I realize my leg and ankle have deteriorated in strength. I nearly collapsed a few times. Good thing I have the moon boot and crutches to keep me from falling. The whole leg and ankle is very wobbly and weak. It cant support my weight as of yet. Painful if I put too much weight on it, but it is nice to be walking, even if very lightly and slowly at grandma speed, but its nice. It is less exhausting on my body than it was keeping off the ankle when I want to get anywhere. I have to keep reminding myself to walk as my body auto wants to put the foot up. Force of habit now. Was not too bad today except for the occasional pain in my calf muscle, achilles which I feel has deteriorated also, and my ankle occasionally hurting. All in all I am very happy to be walking again.

Rehab is always painful, but this seems to be a good start.  Keep it up!

I see so this level of pain is normal? Feels like a knife going through the ankle when exercising. Which well, did happen given it was surgery to reattach ligaments together to the bone. Hopefully that pain lessens with time. But yup I can manage my energy levels a bit better now I am using both legs. Will do with keeping it up. Has to get easier with time.

I've done rehab on a much smaller scale, and that hurt.  I'm not sure how much pain you're feeling, whether your doctor is supplying an inadequate amount of pain killers, or anything else, frankly.  I'm thousands of miles away.  But some pain is inevitable,

[David Horn]

(08-27-2019, 09:54 PM)taramarie Wrote: Update: just went to see my surgeon and he was so impressed with my recovery he said probably within a couple of weeks of physio I will be well on the way to full recovery. He gives it another month thinking I will be nearly fully healed within a month. Only bad news was there is more swelling than he hoped for but that I have done amazing work on the ankle and should be all good within a month and back on my feet.

Wonderful!

[pbrower2a]

(08-29-2019, 03:19 AM)taramarie Wrote: rehabilitation for the ankle is HELL! It hurts so much. I am going to go see my doctor to see if I can get some cbd oil to try help ease the pain levels in the ankle as I don't want to be using codeine. It isn't good for me at all.

The ankle faces so much pressure and is so intricate in design... talk about a vulnerability.

[Hintergrund]

Still glad to see that you're on the way to recovery, @taramarie.

[David Horn]

(11-10-2019, 05:54 PM)taramarie Wrote: I am nearly fully recovered from my surgery on my ankle and now have a one way ticket to Austria with my partner and we will be getting a ride home to Bratislava, Slovakia in Janurary. Good bye soon to my home New Zealand, and hello life for the first time for me in Europe.

Best of luck, and keep in touch.

[Anthony '58]

A Baby Buster Retires

As you may or may not know, weakened by pneumonia, I suffered a fall at a trolley stop in San Francisco in the morning of December 21, 2014. For nearly two months I was in the hospital, the first month in a medically-induced coma, and following my release therefrom, I returned to Central Jersey and applied for Social Security Disability, and after having been turned down three times, I was finally approved on November 13.

Now I am looking for a home in one of the many retirement villages in the area.

[David Horn]

(11-24-2019, 03:29 PM)Anthony Wrote: A Baby Buster Retires

As you may or may not know, weakened by pneumonia, I suffered a fall at a trolley stop in San Francisco in the morning of December 21, 2014.  For nearly two months I was in the hospital, the first month in a medically-induced coma, and following my release therefrom, I returned to Central Jersey and applied for Social Security Disability, and after having been turned down three times, I was finally approved on November 13.

Now I am looking for a home in one of the many retirement villages in the area.

You've had a long road, and it appears to getting shorter … finally.  Best of luck in Jersey.  If you decide to go for lower cost and less snow, there is no shortage of retirement villages from the middle of North Carolina south to the Florida Keys.